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14 January 2014 @ 11:16 pm
On indecision  
This year, I turn 18 years old.

Eighteen is supposed to be an age where you are generally considered to have become an Adult.

Yet, I have never been more indecisive than ever.

Yesterday, the results for the O levels were released. Now, my juniors are in the process of choosing their next school and also the subject combination/course that they want to take. Looking at them rationalise their decision, I can't help but look back to mine as well. I chose to go to ACSI, I chose to take PCME. Both choices were seemingly effortless. I didn't think much and yet I already knew what I wanted to do. Or so I thought.

1 year on, my doubts are stronger than ever. It began much earlier, back in March. I started to wonder about the subject combination I was taking and whether it was really what I wanted. Economics, in particular. I felt nothing for the subject and felt that there was no enjoyment, no fulfillment in lessons. I considered switching subjects to History, but it was already too late. I took PCM in particular because I was set on reading Chemistry (or some other chemistry-based course) in Imperial. Doing Chemistry required 1 other science (Physics) and HL Math was preferred. So that was the route I took.

Now, I can't help but wonder if this is really what I want. Doing mathematics throughout the course of 2013 was one of the most frustrating things I had to deal with that year. Doing the worksheets made me moody, I cried on more than one occasion because I simply didn't know how to do the questions even after class and had to seek a lot of help from my friends. It had the most extraordinary ability of undermining my confidence in myself. Don't take me wrong, I still did fairly well, all things considered (I got 6 points for my overall grade last year) but I just feel so disheartened whenever I do math. People always talk about that satisfaction you get after solving a difficult problem and I am no exception. I feel happy when I can solve a problem on my own without help (almost never - I always have to ask my friend who sits next to me in class or consult the internet) but I just can't help but feel - if I continue to purse science in university, how much more math am I going to get?

Is it really worth it?

Chemistry was my favourite subject all through secondary school and Year 5, but I have a feeling that's only because it's my best subject. Also, I did well enough in the subject to be recognised for it. I think that's why it subconsciously became my favourite subject as well. Yet, I also feel that my passion for literature (and reading) and history can also equal my like for Chemistry.

Today, as I tackled an integration worksheet, I faced roadblocks again. This isn't anything new, but coupled with seeing my twitter timeline explode with my juniors' questions and thoughts about their future, I just had to reconsider. And after almost a year of this burning at the back of my mind, I really think I made the wrong choice.

There's nothing I can do though. So for now, I just have to study hard for all my subjects, do relatively well at IB at the end of this year and then ensure that I get to choose what course I want to do in university. Maybe then, I will make the right decision. Yet, in Singaporean society, studying the arts is still something that has not been fully embraced yet and I really don't know if I am on either side of the spectrum.

This year, I'll be turning 18. This year, I'll have to make some of the toughest decisions in my life so far.

This year, I hope
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Mood: confusedconfused
(no subject) - krevetka_flo on October 13th, 2015 01:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)