 | You are viewing ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} fakeshake3's Friends PageLog in Create a LiveJournal Account Learn more | Explore LJ: Life Entertainment Music Culture News & Politics Technology |
jubilant
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
fruitstyle (:
distressedBefore I even start reflecting… I just feel like I have to say it. God is real. It’s as much for you to know, as well as for myself to remember. There are times where I doubt. I doubt so badly, and I start challenging people’s beliefs in the desperate hope that someone would be able to come back at me with an argument that can prove it to me once and for all that God is real. After this week, ending with the Leader’s Presbytery… God has moved so much in my life, and those around me. Truly, God is real. And He loves us. Unconditionally and irrevocably. Like Edward loves Bella, but so much more.
***
I went into my week of fast and prayer with a whole list of areas that I wanted God to move in. I don’t actually HAVE the list with me right now so I might forget some things but I must admit the week was a week of really growing closer to God in my relationship with Him as well as God challenging me for the future. He reminded me yesterday that even though I wouldn’t be fasting forever, it doesn’t mean that I can’t still continue growing exponentially!
The most significant would probably be the breaking down of probably the biggest hindrance in my growing closer to God. This could warrant a whole ‘other post on its own! One of my recent journal entries from the start of this week is as follows…
Proverbs 12:11
He who works his land will have abundant food.
But he who chases fantasies lacks judgement.
I love my overactive imagination. Love it. It entertains me. It gives me material to write about. It gives me companions, characters, people and situations to play with. It also keeps me from God in the times where I need Him the most.
I was flipping through my past QT journal entries a few days, and this is an area in which I’ve been praying for for the longest time. Albeit not seriously. A friend has shared with me a similar problem- that he finds it hard to silence his own thoughts and imagination to focus on the voice of God. But I find that my imagination takes me to worse places. I find myself hiding in it when things go bad, or when life isn’t going the way I want to. I find myself delving into the depths of my imagination, finding happy scenes for my imaginary characters, who start to walk, talk and sound more and more like me. And in the weirdest way, they are me. I hide in fantasies of what my life would and could be, especially when things aren’t going the way I want to. Instead of running to God, I have my own failsafe remedy right there, except that it’s merely a temporary solution. My life isn’t getting any better, neither am I growing any closer to God in hard times. It’s become an instinct. Self preservation. It ‘shuts out’ God’s voice in a way. And it’s something I’m trying to curb now that I’ve grasped the seriousness of it.
It’s not easy to make a conscious effort to stop. It’s become something I do for leisure too. When I’m bored, I retreat inside and play around with whatever my mind can conjure. Now, don’t start thinking of R-rated things- it’s not like that at all. More of guilty pleasures. Shopping, getting noticed, being rich, having the perfect boyfriend… Living the perfect life. A few nights ago, after I was convicted to stop indulging in fantasies, I caught myself daydreaming in the shower. I realised how instinctual, how normal it was to just enter my imaginary world when I wasn’t doing anything productive. I ended up having to sing praise songs out loud over and over again just to stop myself from thinking. But there we go- my attempt to stop chasing fantasies and focus on God and let Him minister into my life.
It’s my second day of consciously praying against my overactive imagination and fantasies, and I’m happy that my mind feels a lot clearer. Even happier that I haven’t lapsed at all today. It also gives me a lot more time space to seek out God when I’m not seeking refuge and amusement in my own thoughts. It’s so hard to describe, but it’s like kicking an addiction in a way, and even a slight lapse in conscious thought and I find myself sinking into fantasies to fill in the gaps. I’ve been warned about the dangers of my imagination and fantasizing tendencies. A friend told me that it was only through God’s grace that I never fell to a point where I started ‘seeing’ things that weren’t there, that it was more common than I thought. Truth be told, God has spoken to me over the last few months about the issue, both through the books that I’ve been reading, Scripture and through friends whom I shared this with lightly (not knowing that it was a serious issue!) but I was never truly convicted about it. Until I started praying about the weaknesses that I had that Satan could use to pull me away, and realized that this was a huge one-- and that what I thought was an innocent amusement was a huge stumbling block for me in my walk with God.
A friend told me that every gift, even the gift of imagination is a gift from God. He shared with me how he uses the same gift that I have in his ministry work, in planning events and so on. and that it helps him move in the spirit easier as well, and keeps him more open to the voice of God. The exact thing that I have a problem with, although I supposedly have the same gift! So I hope to reach a point where I can do the same with my own gift. To use it to glorify God without hindering my relationship with Him.
That was my biggest breakthrough in the week. That God’s grace truly came over my life and helped me overcome one of my greatest weaknesses- the habit of hiding myself in fantasies and daydreams and turning to them for relief and comfort. No one will probably understand the gravity of how badly it had taken hold of my life, taking up my time and energy. No one but God, and I thank Him for helping me through.
I’m also learning to give my whole life unto Him. My worries, frustrations, everything. Just trust in His plan for my life and let Him take the reins. And as I let Him take the lead in my studies during SwotVac this week, He has truly blessed me SO MUCH. By His grace, I don’t feel stressed or pressured. I don’t feel the pressures to do well or to perform. As long as God is happy, I’m happy. And I pray that my results will eventually be an awesome testimony unto Him, just like the study-journey was!
One thing that God has laid in my heart is that in order to become more like Him, I can’t resist change. There are certain quirks and uniqueness in my life and my personality that I love. Certain aspects that I wouldn’t change for the world. I feel like God’s asking me, ‘Would you let me change you?’
And even now, I feel myself being open to God’s changes. I even feel myself seeking those changes. Like I’ve got a taste of the blessings and the future that God has for me as I follow Him, and I like it and want more. One of my prayer points during the week was that God would break down the bad traits and habits that my upbringing had instilled in me, and instil in me a heart to be more like Christ. To be truly Christ-like. That I won’t just defend myself with 'the phrase ‘This is who I am.’ I truly pray for my personality to reflect the fruits of the spirit. That people will remark on my inner beauty, not my physical one.
And I can feel myself changing. Letting God point out faults and things He wants me to change, even.
Galatians 5:22-23
22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control.
They will never be able to change their ways until they understand that the source of their problems isn’t ultimately their upbringing or personality; it is their own sinful hearts.
-- Joshua Harris
This one came as I saw my two youth group leaders being prophesied over today. They’re married, with an adorable baby girl. And it was probably my favourite of the day… It’s so weird to say, but they truly are my role models in terms of what I want my relationship and eventual marriage to be. Even as the prophets imparted on the need to support and encourage each other, I just felt so comforted that in the world of whirlwind romances, and even shorter marriages, with God firmly in the center of a relationship, a man and a woman can come together and do so much for the kingdom of God.
As a kid, I used to be worried about whether letting God pick my husband would result in God picking someone who would help me advance His kingdom, and yet someone I wouldn’t actually love. Kind of like a divine arranged marriage where the girl and the guy just marries whenever their parents tell them to. I can laugh about it now, because Wow! When God brings two people together in His own timing, not only do they do much for His kingdom, but much for each other as well. When they both went to the chairs and sat down, simultaneously reaching for each others’ hands, and when they laughed when the prophets told them to watch out for each other… My inner romantic just went ‘awwww’. Truly, God delights in romance as well! “This is a very special couple.” Really and truly, when God is in the center, great things happen. (:
I really pray for opened channels of communication in my current relationship. For God to be in the center, and to be convicted in the area of purity just like David has been, so we can work towards it together.
And eventually, I can grow and serve God together with whomever God has in mind for me to marry! A long long time from now though, which is good. All these sermons and books I’ve been reading (I’m currently reading Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris)… and the things God has been laying in my heart… they’re telling me that I’ve got a long long way to reach God’s expectations of me!
Lastly, prayer. I asked for God to grow me in this area (and have been praying for it for the last couple of months…), and He is. I find that I’ve gotten an increased sensitivity in discerning the Holy Spirit, and I’m able to speak accurately into lives (Thanks, Doris for unknowingly encouraging me in this area! Getting confirmation of what I said to you was awesome. It makes me so much more confident now… haha). I really want the spiritual gift of discernment, so we’ll see if God grows me further in that area!
This has been a super long post, and there’s so much more that God has been doing that I want to journal down so I don’t forget, but… I need to listen to one more lecture before I sleep. So…
<3
imadra_bluemukuhiba. The title is a Buddhist-influenced Japanese phrase that translates to "the pathos of things," a contemplation of life's transience and mutability, often associated with sakura symbolism. Thanks to ranty_rie for supplying this Will Durant quote as my prompt: "One of the lessons of history is that 'nothing' is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say."
Click here for full image.
jessica_shea made a post about her favorite characters. So today I thought I'd post about my favorites.
busy
awake
accomplished
